Sabotoge

I think that one of my biggest problems is that I sabotage myself - regularly. I really do love my life - really!!! I am grateful for all that I have - but, sometimes I feel like I have too much (to do that is). Anyway, the slightly ungrateful part of me behaves foolishly from time to time, ok, a lot of the time. When I get frustrated, I turn to sugar - sweets and soda pop are my 2 favorites. Thank goodness it's not alcohol and cigarettes, right? Anyway...remember, I have 5 children. That means, I've been pregnant and given birth to 5 children. Last year I turned 40. I've found that it's not as easy to return to my prepregnancy size and shape this time around as it was in the past. Don't get me wrong, it could be worse. I'm not the size of a house or even a horse, yet. But, if I don't stop sabotaging myself, every time I get frustrated, I'm afraid of how this is going to end. I've never had a "belly" - well, outside of being pregnant. Now I have what I would call a muffin-top. Gross! Seriously, a muffin-top. That is not an attractive look. So, I've started working out with the Kinect - because I can't get out of the house to go and work out somewhere else. The Kinect workout program is really amazing. It tracks your movements with incredible accuracy and the workout is pretty intense, yet still fun. And, usually within 10 minutes, I have helpers assisting me with my workout. It starts like this...I try to sneak downstairs. They notice I'm missing and then I hear "Hey Mom, whatcha doing?" "Hey guys, Mom is working out." "Come on, everyone, downstairs!" They like to cheer me on, and point out how my person on the tv doesn't look quite like the trainer on the tv - "wow, thanks guys." They also like to "dance" around in front of the camera so they can be on the screen too - and the baby usually ends up at my legs, arms up, waiting to be picked up. It looks like I've grown extra appendages in the picture on the screen - sometimes it makes me laugh - sometimes it frustrates me - regardless, it won't ever change and really, I wouldn't want it any other way. The sad thing is, I'll feel good about the workout, but later in the evening, with the chaos that is involved in getting children down for the night, and then looking at the aftermath of a 5-kid tornado on the house, I usually want to down a Coke. Yummy - but not so great at helping one's body settle down for bed. And, since I'm up, how about eating a couple of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - you know, the one's I just had to buy since I was craving them when I went shopping last time. Uggg - I probably wouldn't have to bother with working out if I would just stop drinking the pop and eating the candy. More water, less pop - that's not so hard. Why is it so much easier to type it than to do it? I'm going to try - no pop this weekend. I may have to go stay in a hotel for the weekend - alone - so I can avoid my triggers that drive me towards the garage in search of another fix. Wish me luck...

My best friend Martha

So, while I always find myself with no time to accomplish what needs to be accomplished in day to day life, somehow, I manage to carve out a few minutes to do something completely unneccessary and possibly crazy - go figure. I have a dream...well, a strong desire, maybe a wish...anyway, I like to bake. I'm not that good at it, but I'm not horrible either. I really like to decorate baked goods - again, I'm not that good, but I'm getting better. It's fun - and frustrating, but mostly fun. And, I thrive on the compliments when something turns out good. I think it is going from being a working, professional woman to being a stay at home mom that causes me to NEED positive feedback from those outside of my house. I used to get positive feedback/reinforcement pretty regularly at work - and while hugs and kisses from my kids are worth gold, I crave more - is that horrible? I feel like it's horrible, but I can't help my desires. Anyway, I have a good friend named Martha. Truth be told, I've never spoken with her, but I've watched her on TV plenty and our one-sided pen pal relationship (she sends me e-mails several times a day) are enough - for now. Martha sends me some crazy recipes. Some of them look disgusting (at least to my very not sophisticated palette) and some look delish! I dug up an old e-mail from her today (yep, I save the good ones) and decided to try it. Golden Toffee Blondies - yum! I don't like nuts in food, so I omitted the walnuts (yuck). According to the recipe, step one was to preheat the oven - got it. Next, butter a pan - put down parchment paper, butter and flour the paper. Seriously? That seems like overkill. I have some wax paper and a can of non-stick spray - that will have to do. Now to brown a ton of butter. Exactly how brown? I don't know. How long will it take to brown the butter? I don't know. Will the baby ever stop crying and pulling on my legs - probably not. Well, the butter got kind of brown, but not black - success!

One of the main ingredients in this recipe is brown sugar. While I like baking and I'm trying to do more of it, I don't do a lot of it, so I had to "find" the brown sugar. It really wasn't that old, I bought it at Christmas time (only 2 months ago). It had never been opened. However, apparently once a bag of brown sugar enters my house, it has to turn to rock - awesome. The package says you can heat the brown sugar up in the microwave to soften it - but once it cools it turns to rock again - so don't dilly dally. I guess I dilly dallied, because as I was mixing everything up, there were brown sugar rocks that refused to be broken. Actually, there were a couple of brown sugar boulders too - but, I'm thinking the heat in the oven should melt them. No, you say, that doesn't work...awesome! Something tells me this will not be one of the recipes I get a ton of kudos for. I guess at the end of the day, it's not a total loss - the kids will probably eat the blondies and if they don't what's a couple more pounds on my already increasing waist line?

Not that I need 2 of me...I just need help!

So, it's not that I'm so completely awesome that I feel like the world just has to have another one of me in it...no, that's not it at all. Rather, it's that I have so freaking much to do, and I feel like I never get enough done and I keep falling farther and farther behind. I can't get out of the hole I've managed to fall into and it's getting deeper and deeper - I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the point.

I'm a mom to 5 beautiful, awesome, rotten, demanding, wonderful, challenging, funny children. My oldest became a teenager (yep, the dreaded 13) in December. My youngest turned 1 a month ago. What the he** was I thinking! You would think this would all balance out. Of course, my oldest wants pretty much nothing to do with me, and the youngest wants all of my attention...so what's the problem? Maybe it's the demands of the 3 middle children. Maybe it's feeling like I'm not ready to "step out" of my oldest child's life just yet. Maybe it's that I need 30 seconds a day just to myself - I know, the horror of even thinking that. My wonderful husband, who goes to a job that he's not completely appreciated at, but he doesn't totally hate, comes home in the evening and can't seem to figure out why I appear to be tired, angry (sometimes), completely burnt out. I've tried to explain it to him, but he just doesn't get it.

Did I mention that I e-school (that's school at home with an online curriculum) two of my children? The oldest goes to public school, but the next two in line - a 2nd grader and a kindergartener - stay home to do their schooling. So, the baby needs my attention all of the time, except for the 10 or 15 minutes a day (it seems like) when she naps. The two older ones need me to teach them and the 3-year old seems to wander around, somewhat aimlessly, wishing I would spend some time with her too. If only there were another one of me, the extra me could hold the baby and play with the 3-year old while I do school with the boys. Or, the extra me could do the schooling (that would be better, then she could listen to them complain when I say it's time to practice our writing skills) and I could play with the 2 girls. And, maybe with all of my extra time, I could find a few moments to harrass - I mean bond with my oldest son. I'm sure he would not vote for that, but if we could spend time together that was meaningful, maybe he would see that I'm not so horrible. Sounds like a plan...now to execute it.